Many people wonder where this Choose Joy motif comes from...I tag it everywhere. It all started...

Choose Joy 

( I don't have room or time to type my ENTIRE testimony *smile* but I think this is a good summation of where this life's theme originated). Choose Joy came out of the Lord's apparent hand on my life; always offering glimpses of hope and joy through various experiences, people, and namely Himself. I am not sure the exact timing, but into adulthood I had to come to grips that I had been suffering from depression since a child. Although, not clinically diagnosed, it was apparent. I had a silent killer of the soul; masked with a smile and sometimes even achievement. What was "little" stuff to some people would send me in a dark place. Like turning on the news, would sometimes encourage angst that would spiral from one negative thought to extreme sympathy that would turn into sadness because I just couldn't do anything about anything. I learned the source of much of my anxiety: lack of control. Depression, doesn't always look like someone weeping,  with a dark cloud over their head.  In my life, depression would disguise itself as busyness. Maybe I was attempting to convince myself that if I were busy enough, perhaps I could outwork these "feelings." Then I would crash, making it hard to even wake and get started in the morning. Praise God for His healing power and redeeming my coping by becoming "busy" to become more intentional. Some may say that my life is still "busy" but my busyness now is seen through a new lens: focusing my energies toward things that revive the soul but most importantly enable me to surrender my will and control to the Lord, who upholds the universe by the word of His power (Hebrews 1:3). 

If I had to pinpoint a moment in time where I could determine something was "wrong," it would have been after my parents divorced. Feeling abandoned and alone from both parents, because they were trying to pick up their own lives. And because they're human, they unintentionally neglected certain things (or people) that in essence was the most important thing to them; as they were on their own journey themselves. I essentially had to fend for myself, and had to put aside my emotions and feelings associated with their divorce and events that followed.  This fend for myself mechanism is why I may be "independent."  After their divorce, I experienced loss after loss of family members. Then my "world" came crashing down when the one whom always made me feel like I mattered; and loved me fully, even when I wasn't lovable. Dead. My sweet grandmother. If it weren't for her, I don't know where I'd be. She is the one that taught me that being kind, generous and humble is most important and transformational even to the most wretched of souls. Now, I really felt left alone. Following her death, I would pretend like I was getting ready for school and lay in the bedroom very still, until my parents went off to work; to just sleep all day. Such a heavy feeling of hopelessness during this time but God always made certain to demonstrate that He was near. In His rich grace I was still able to do well in school and "do" all the things I was "supposed to do." Then comes cancer to hit both of my parents' bodies at different times on this "timeline." So glad my parents have each other. While my stepfather was dealing with the first onset of cancer, my mom if not at work, would spend every minute with him, and she also tried her best to make sure that I was taken care of. I was a "latch-key" kid anyway, so their time away wasn't too devastating. Meanwhile, me and my real father were somewhat estranged. Which caused a major burden for me that carried over into my college years. Like everything, I just learned to cope and to make sure I adjusted quickly. 

Fast forward to graduation from undergrad. I didn't even realize how broken I was--literally running on fumes--until sometime after I graduated and moved back home. Undergrad was such a growth experience for me.  I had a great time, it was meaningful but it was also a time of my life that I also experienced several difficulties.   I was naive to life, before attending, and I left with a brand new outlook and strong faith. I miss being so naive but I know that I needed certain experiences to give me a reality check. When I reflect, I too can recall God rescuing me, from compromise, sin and attacks to my faith. He also allowed me to stay focus, do well in school and just keep pushing. No one, to this day probably knew or even could understand the extent of what I was going through and it was because His joy was TRULY my strength. I had to keep it moving and made sure, that the enemy knew, " I aint have no worries." That even in uncertainty and hurt that God had it all under control. It was there, during those undergraduate years, I learned that faith was not fragmented and that all the things that God had allowed for me to go through up to that point was to grow me in stature and to use my goal of inspiring others as a way to point people back to Jesus.  

Law School was something I had on my "five-year" plan to do and it was truly one of my dreams of becoming an advocate/attorney. But if I had to do it all over again, I would have waited. By this time, I was literally running on auto-pilot. School, home, church, school and repeat.  I was so stressed that my menstrual cycle did not come on for several months. (TMI LOL) I had worked hard and was not seeing the results that I had expected. Never in my life had I work hard for something and the result not be close to optimal?  By the end of the my first semester I was filled with such self-doubt, I started to question, "well, maybe this is not what I am supposed to be doing."  I began researching Masters programs although I was in law school.  I started to completely discourage and sabotage my own goal. Before the end of the second semester, I had been accepted into George Washington, and made up my mind that I would not withdraw and would finish up the school year. I found a cyst in my breast, and after surgery found that it was benign. My beloved Uncle had passed suddenly (Michael Jackson also died that same year---in my head he's in my family too LOL)!  At this point, I was so selfish, with a woe is me mentality.  At the end of the semester my law school grades were mediocre, even though I had put in work. I completely detached myself from that "dream" saying that it must have been a lie, just like the last previous years of my life and my commitments. I was so detached that I probably could have had the opportunity to dispute my grade points and be on my way to completing my JD at the time. But, I settled and accepted my dismissal.  This immediately equated to a loss for me. I was lost and was trying to find my way again. Not only did I start my Master's program, I began taking classes at the local seminary hoping that I could find some answers and find purpose there. Doing all of this, plus working and having to be there for everyone else, only made the struggle worse.  I did not know myself, or whom I was becoming. I was simply existing. Moving but standing still. It was so awkward. 

However, God's sweet hand over my life, continued to esteem me and affirm the calling on my life. My relationship with my father was on the mend and strengthening, a constant prayer of mine at the time. I was a daddy's girl as a youth and somehow along the way, things changed. I was grateful for an answered prayer and God continues to answer my prayer of bringing my earthly father close to Him.  God was also completely rescuing my selfish ambition. I began to look at all these events as ways to humble myself and truly see that I was building my kingdom not His. The Lord began to open my eyes about how the Gospel transcends into vocation and opened my eyes to His justice and reign. He began to show me how justice is just not relegated to something secondary to the Gospel. But that it was the Gospel, that God demonstrated justice by sending Christ to the grave on our behalf and making all things right. Jesus was victorious by conquering death and sin, and now we can be reconciled with God. This concept of justice informs every part of our lives as believers, as we see the brokeness of sin and join in God's mission of restoration.  I had always had a passion for people. A passion for faith and culture and it all began to "make sense." Childhood memories of how God was equipping me at my church, at school, community work, the lessons that my mother taught me about the importance of education and servant-leadership.  It was during this time that the Lord placed several people in my path a range of mentors, bosses, friends, pastors, and family that helped to cultivate my passion even more and discern the will of God for my life.  After graduating GW--although another milestone or another notch I earned outwardly--inwardly it was turning point for me. 

A reoccurring lesson or resolve in my life that helps me cope through the dark moments, especially when they come out of nowhere, is being generous with my life.  I realized that dwelling in unhappy places is not only unproductive but focuses energy inward. Recasting that energy outward is always fulfilling. I also noticed that God literally had not left me....since I was a little girl crying out to Jesus in the living room and God meeting me there. He had always been there to lift me out of the haze and with his deep grace, always giving me something to aspire to; giving me eyes to see the positive in negative situations; the insight to see the beauty and good in even the most ugliest of people; the ability to smile when others thought I should be discouraged or angry. When others tried to crush me God made sure that I still had my joy, my sanity but most of all my dignity in tact. The Lord is faithful and for that I must rejoice in His goodness. I have to choose joy. It's intentional. Sometimes it's a task. It means denying the elements and resting on the truth of the Gospel. I choose joy because this world wants us to choose contrary...the doom, the negativity, the hopelessness and the lies of the enemy. 

Everyday, I aim to choose joy. Some days are harder than others and when I fail, God's grace covers. I am grateful to say that God has been so faithful. Just to name one area of His faithfulness,  I am back on my journey of obtaining my Juris Doctor.  I have been attending part-time and working full-time. Whew! But again, in His sweetness, I have the support of wonderful friends, family and work staff that hold me up. The "why" I do it all can be summed up in the cartoon strip Pontius' Puddle.  Puddle:“sometimes I’d like to ask God why he allows poverty, famine and injustice. When he could something about it. Tadpole: What’s stopping you? Puddle: I’m afraid God might ask me the same question.”  My responsibility is a must and it is my quest to be an advocate for the most vulnerable. It's not just a merit but its passion enabled by the creator of the universe.  As I approach the next 30 years of life, I hope that it is filled with generosity, love, light and people grasping and holding onto this GOOD NEWS of hope and redemption.  

I am sure that the next thirty years will have its share of trials but like James 1:2-4 says: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." CHOOSE JOY!!! 

Engage in acts of generosity or service. This would make my entire birthday! Need some ideas let me know. #CHOOSEJOY